I spoke to one of my mentors about how I feel like I'm wasting my life. She informed me I had just begun said life and as such could barely waste it. I attributed this feeling to the speed at which life currently moves— the neverending crunch of survival that's dependent on how much you do, how much you contribute, and how much you work. And maybe to some extent, that's accurate but I couldn't help but wonder about that feeling and where it comes from.
While I feel like I'm doing a lot— working on a book, medical schooling, volunteer and student community work, etc— there's also the theory of life’s happenings and milestones feeling unreal if they're not immediately visible. I'm reminded of this article I've been devouring in tidbits on how a lot of what is considered lifestyle right now is dependent on consumption. In the age of social media, what this looks like are curated pictures and aesthetics that tell us where a person is at in their life. One has to admit that existing in a space where people are quick to become products without similar performance can leave a person feeling like they're not doing or achieving anything.
Whether or not this is inherently negative is not something I've thought strongly about but it's an explanation worth looking at.
The week before last, I went to my first open mic event. As I find a lot to be celebrated in the evocative beauty of words, I enjoyed the event. But along the line of thinking about this feeling, I wondered if the fact that I was only beginning to participate in the social going about I personally enjoyed was a contribution. Fun is essential. If I had only learned intentionality regarding that aspect of my life now, what about the numerous other aspects that I float through in my day to day?
I am led to think about age being an adult of only two years. Could youth be a contributor to that sort of emptiness— that craving for surety and fulfilment in one's path even if one was already on it? Alhamdulillah, I have always had somewhat of a good grip on what I want to do with myself but one has to question if there's some sort of intentionality that lurks beyond 'youngness'. Maybe five years down the line of putting in effort, I'll feel less like it's a waste.
Or still, could I just be buckling under the pressure of existing in a system riddled with instability? Nigeria itself is a country that has always found familiarity in chaos but I think the world currently suffers a tenuous socioeconomic environment that means a lot of us young people are caught in the ripple effects of decisions we've only begun to understand. This is a possibility worth interrogating because I do believe it to be a contributor in its way.
Finally is the possibility of actually not doing enough. I don't know if it's a notion singular to me but I've always struggled to know my limits well until I might have crossed them. There's a certain fear in knowing that peculiarity that holds me back. And sometimes like when I'd told my mentor how I felt like I was wasting my life, I wish there were less scary ways for me to figure out just how far I can go when it comes to putting in effort especially when one takes into consideration that we live in a world that celebrates a vicious and sometimes disabling type of 'productivity.’
One cannot help but wonder if there's any way for all of this to be much easier.
Listening:
To the backlog of Dua Lipa's At Your Service. My favourite episodes have been those where she speaks to writers and of those, the conversation with Hanya Yanagihara, the author of A Little Life. I haven't read the book but Hanya spoke about things I’ve always been interested in. 1. Men and the politics of their vulnerability 2. The demand on women to expose themselves for the ‘progress’ of art– a subject I like to think about in regards, not only to women but the marginalized at large. It is worth asking which of our stories find validity with the people who occupy positions of power in a lot of the world’s systems.
Al-Madrassatu Al-Umariyyah: I'm listening to the Rights series ranging from the Rights of the Tongue to the Rights of Friends amongst others. One of my life values is justice and I've always been interested, as a Muslim, in how to do better for my soul and those to whom I hold a responsibility. In my bid to be intentional about the process, I've been ensuring to make notes and set aside time for spiritual enlightenment.
Reading:
The Hunger Games: a reread with one of my best friends where we share our thoughts about what will no doubt be referred to as a classic in the future. My favourite aspect of this reread is seeing how Collins couches complex subjects— at least for the age group she writes— in accessible language. It remains a good introduction to the topics of wealth, revolution, and power amongst others.
Wicked Plants: a very very fun introduction to the various poisonous plants of the world. Did you know that castor oil has laxative properties and as such was used to torture people in the 1920s by Mussolini's thugs? That was very fun to learn.
The Orchard of Lost Souls by Nadifa Muhammad— an August choice in the BMW book club.
And others because reading multiple books at the same time is one of my favourite pastimes.
Enjoying:
The Unpublishable whose writer has some very interesting and worth interrogating thoughts about beauty, the industry and the things that are ingrained in our heads about both.
Rice Krispies which I hadn't taken in a long long time but is in my recent batch of cereal.
Noise-cancelling headphones: I'm simply going to say the first time I put this on, my jaw loosened and let me tell you, I didn't even know I'd been clenching it.
Anonymous messages through NGL, an app on Playstore. It's been interesting— slightly narcissistic but healthy enough, I think— to hear what people think of me or want to ask me.
Looking forward to:
Applying to a writing thing.
Completing revisions on my book before mid-September.
So we don't run the risk of my finding an identity as the girl who writes too long newsletters, I'll be ending this here. Take care everyone and comment your thoughts.
Assalam Alaykum Warahmatullah wa Barakatu.
Apart from the beautiful way you construct your sentences, my favorite part about reading your newsletter is how relatable they are. I have been struggling with this problem for a minute and it just really feels reassuring to know that I'm not alone in the feeling. Despite being super productive and constantly checking accomplishments off my to-do list, I still feel like I need to be doing more. You just give such a perspective on the issue that I know will help me be more intentional about taking time out to rest and have a good time without feeling like I have to earn it. Thank you, Nadirah for always sharing your thoughts, it means a lot. I look forward to reading your book!
“Could youth be a contributor to that sort of emptiness— that craving for surety and fulfillment in one's path even if one was already on it?” Hmm, so poignant. I think from the possibilities that we see now with the Internet and globalization, making us realize how much more is possible and being completed by people in similar age groups with similar goals to us that it is easy to feel like you’re not doing enough constantly. However, I think it’s important to think of your journey as only your own, not comparable to the path laid out by anyone else. In that way, you’re never wasting anything. Everything is a necessary part for the unique journey that you are on, even if it feels like not enough or too much.