i. Distance made sense to me for the first time when my friend's mother told us both that she'd soon be leaving Nigeria with her daughter. I don't remember a lot of the external details except I was wearing a white hijab, a fact of no consequence, but I do remember how I felt inside. Heartbroken and suddenly not as close to my friend anymore. Our friendship then, new, was contingent upon proximity. If we never went to the same school or made eye contact across a desk while someone else was talking, we probably wouldn't be friends.
How were we to remain friends when an ocean would now stand between us?
At the end of secondary school, this kind of question became more frequent in its occurrence. We were all going to different universities, and some of us had plans that required leaving the country. Distance would soon become a permanent fixture in our relationships and for me, a concept made only less scary by the existence of WhatsApp.
We could text as much as we could talk in person which we did until the strain of adulthood caught up and we had to readjust again. Each one of us could not be as accessible as we used to be. Sometimes school, life and work demanded we wouldn't be online for weeks, so even when we were, messages would be left unread for a long time. A lot of my friendships soon became a never-ending cycle of catching up on days and weeks post-event.
I would be lying if I said it wasn't uncomfortable at first or that I didn’t consider investing in physical relationships instead, but all relationships change and our generation draws change onto itself frequently. You see, virtual connections have to work because, in a way, it is the one thing we can hold on to amid so many of the changes in youth.
Even out of sync, my friends and I prioritised staying up to date on each other’s lives and soon fell into some kind of plan to maintain connections. We had video calls once a month, used voice notes to connect more deeply than text allowed us to, sent emails when the video calls were impossible and sometimes lately we look over each other's calendars to see when next we'd all be free enough for a collective trip.
Unfortunately, our calendars aren't cooperating in that regard.
The truth of distance and relationships is that every day we have to redefine holding one another up and being there for each other across time and space. It's a different type of connection but if some of your best friendships started with sharing DMs over group chats you know, virtual connections are a tool that can also be enduring and should be nurtured just as much as irl connections. Sometimes your friend's vulnerability over a voice note can feel like a warm hug, a hastily scrawled out dua and long voice notes like coming home.
This month, I have scheduled weekly calls and suggested virtual watch parties. In all of that is an undeniable thread of community.
ii. I've been thinking about rejections and how much closer to controllable they are than acceptances when it comes to goal setting. As a writer, a lot of responses to my work whether acceptance or rejection are subjective but in calculating my achievements in terms of rejections, I take some power from that subjectivity. I cannot decide which of my work is accepted but I can always decide how many rejections I do get by the amount of work that I put out.
It might sound like a mind trick but if it works, it works.
iii. On the 25th, you will receive the first episode of The What, where I'll share what I'm reading, listening to and loving each month.
Abdullah ibn ‘Amr said, “The Prophet (SAW), was neither coarse nor loud. He used to say, “The best of you is the one who has the best character.” (Al-Adab Al-Mufrad; Book 14, Hadith 271)
Assalam Alaykum Warahmatullah wa Barakatu.